Moreover, my heart is so touched by these events because I too have walked the road the Harrington's now tread. I was also a member of the Professional Speaker's Academy, so there is a connection for me too. When I heard about the stories of Mark Zuckerberg and his wife Priscilla Chan pregnancy and their previous miscarriages my heart was touched. However, I didn't know how to share my story. I spoke to my coach and she felt she wasn't sure how I could link what happened to me to what I do exactly.
I believe that we must be authentic and transparent, sometimes we need to share our life experiences just so we can allow others to really understand our experiences and what makes us who we are.
I have been married for 9 nine years, and my eldest son will be 6 in October. Every year from September 2006 to October 2009, I was pregnant. Before the birth of my first son, I had three miscarriages, two early at six and five weeks. One late at between sixteen and twenty weeks.
I had gone past the 12 week period, felt that the baby was safe and was obviously showing that I was pregnant, many of my work colleagues, friends and church members knew. It was not a secret, Our scan was scheduled late for some reasons and when we went for the scan it was explained to us that the baby's heart was no longer beating and he had died. It was as if all the breath in my body had left me, had been knocked out of me and I had stopped breathing. I refused to accept what I was told, I could not accept what I was told. I had, had a miscarriage before, when you lose your baby you bleed, there was no blood. I went for another scan at another hospital. I prayed like I had never prayed before in my life, my God was a God of miracles, I knew he could resurrect the dead, this baby could live, this baby had to live; this baby must live.
I was growing, I was showing, I had a life growing inside, how could he have died and I not have known. I had not yet felt this baby kick, but because my first pregnancy had ended much earlier I didn't realised that I should have felt it kick at that stage. I went for another scan and the response was the same.
The loss of Heaven was a real test of my faith, I had no answers for why this had happened to me. As as friend had said to me previously, I had done everything right, I was married and then tried to have children. Yet I kept losing them, no one else in my family had a history of miscarriage as far as I knew at that time. Why, why, why, everything seemed to be going so well. Eight years later and even after tests on me and the baby, there was no medical reason they could give us why. I have no answers to the questions that often plague us, when we suffer loss.
Furthermore, I was completely and utterly devastated and an appointment was booked for me to be induced in a few days. When you experience a loss in this way everything is surreal for a season, you feel as if you could pinch yourself and wake up and discover it was an awful nightmare. People especially within the black and Christian community, try to say things which in their mind are comforting. Unfortunately, whatever they say always comes out wrong. For me, it wasn't what people said that helped, it was just that they were willing to be there for you.
My husband struggled to really talk about the loss of Heaven and I think it made it really hard for me to grieve properly. However I did have counselling and read as much as I could about late miscarriages, ultimately in the end this helped me on my journey to recovery, however it wasn't an easy journey; but it took determination and being real about what I felt. Additionally it is a healing process, you have lost a child, no matter how young that child maybe and you must grieve the loss of your child,
My late miscarriage, meant I had to go into hospital, to be induced and give birth to Heaven (as we called him). It was around the time when Madeline McCann went missing, so this time in my life has been indelibly etched on my brain. Additionally I had two other friends who were pregnant at the time. Moreover I was also placed on a maternity ward, and a health care assistant after the procedure thought I was still pregnant and said completely the wrong thing and cause even more emotional turmoil. I was given the pills to induce me at 12 pm and baby heaven was born at 9 pm in the evening, I didn't realise it was labour and almost gave birth to him in the toilet. However, my agony was far from over, we waited all night but the afterbirth did not come out, so at 9 am; after the doctor tried to remove it manually but failed, I was given an epidural and sent to to surgery for a D and C.
Later on that morning I was shown baby heaven, he was tiny, but so perfectly precious and perfectly formed, he was a little boy. I am grateful for being able to touch him and say good bye via the the funeral. However, it took me a long time to heal, I redeveloped my love of writing through this painful experience as it was a cathartic. I think every individual who loses a child experiences it differently, because every circumstance is different. People rarely talk about such experiences, I am not sure why but for me I need to talk about my experiences, it was necessary and healing for me. As I said earlier my husband dealt with it very differently.
For a season I questioned whether I would ever have children, as I experienced loss after loss. This was one of the hardest periods of my life. However 8 years later my life is very different and I am now a mother of two sons. I have no rationale or reason or understanding why I loss three children, before I went onto to have two healthy sons. While time may heal the rawness of the pain that we experience with the loss of a child. This child is never forgotten, and may be rarely spoken about long after the event, but will always remains in your heart, as a warm and tender memory of a person who shared your body and heart for a season. Who will always be loved by you.
I like to think of "Heaven", as waiting in Heaven to be reunited with his parents and siblings and I never forget the loss of this beautiful little boy who looked so much like my husband and who I was privileged to carry for a season. Let's not hide the loss, the suffering or the pain we encounter, let's share the impact it has had on our lives and encourage others who unfortunately must take this journey. You will never forget or get over the loss of a child, they were part of you and are no longer here. However, in time you will heal and be able to support others in the journey, with empathy and a genuine heart of compassion and comfort.
You have walked the path and know the pain and loss, but nevertheless this child was a precious gift that you will never forget and for a short time had an amazing impact on your life and remains in your heart as a warm memory of special someone who you were allowed to nurture and love for a season.
Again I am so sorry for your loss, but your pain will be a story that you use to empower others and strengthen them on their journey through the trials of life.
http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/wp/wp-content/leaflets/Late-Miscarriage.pdf
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